Thanks to all of y'all for your advice and support about my new mission of eating better. It means a lot. Really.

Last night, Mom, Sis, and I went to dinner and then to see The Men Who Stare at Goats. We decided on TGI Friday's. I figured I would get a salad. Turns out they have a whole section with smaller portions! I ended up getting the petite sirloin with broccoli. I'd been craving steak for WEEKS. The filet was 6 oz instead of the 12 oz on the regular menu. I was pleased. The movie was FANTASTIC. I laughed so hard. George is so cute but can pull off the crazy/weird very well. I love his comedy work. It was weird with Ewan having an American accent, but it was still great. Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges were also standouts. GO SEE THIS MOVIE.

UT won yesterday morning 35-3 over Central Florida. YAY! I expected nothing less. The first quarter was so messy. My facebook status was something along the lines of "WTF Longhorns?" However, my boys started to get their shit together late in the 2nd and then looked like the team I love in the second half. I hate that it takes that long for them to really settle in to play. They can't do that when playing in the Big 12 Championship and certainly not in the National Championship game (if we don't lose before then). I'm disappointed that LSU lost, but whadda ya gonna do HEY! [/craig]

The good thing about my new mission to eat better is that Sis has gone through this already. While her thing was to go from eating the no-fat no-sugar things and to just regular food, she is still a good resource for things like helping me work on the compulsive thought processes and helping me figure out how to get Mom on board. To have someone who can empathize with the bingeing is so helpful, because then I don't feel as crazy. To see her in recovery now gives me hope that I can do it.

We went to Walmart last night after the movie to get a few things. Since Mom threw such a hissy fit about my eating the whole bag of potato chips this week, I bought a giant bag of snack-size bags of Lays, Doritos, Cheetos, and Fritos so she has stuff to take to work. And I have a fixed portion to eat if I just HAVE to have some chips. And it wasn't that expensive. I have water, iced tea, and propel in the fridge, and I have been able to avoid drinking the coke, sprite, and gingerale that's in there. Go me! I think as long as I have more healthy options around, I shouldn't be as tempted to binge on unhealthy stuff.

Max slept with me last night. Just like he used to. It was kind of nice, actually. And he seemed to enjoy it immensely.

Oh! Last night, Wanda Sykes' show premiered on FOX at 10pm CST. Funny as hell. But I mainly watched because a good friend from high school is a member of the cast. I'm so proud of him, I can't even say. He's one of the most famous/well known drag queens on Fire Island/Key West. Wanda met him on the island and insisted that he join her show. His stage name is Porsche, and he's fabulous. He looks really pretty as a girl. All of his FI friends were commenting on his facebook page last night about knowing him when he was just doing shows there. I was all, "I knew you when you were just starting to figure out that you wanted to do drag." I know Porsche's last name (which she doesn't use now because she's reached Madonna/Cher status). I know the house he grew up in and love his mother who used to substitute teach at the high school. Anyway, the show was so fucking funny (as long as you're cool with tons of gay jokes). I am amazed that Rupert Murdoch would front the money for a show that is the complete antithesis of what he stands for (and what appears on FOX News). I mean, you have a black lesbian and a drag queen doing all kinds of sex jokes and praising Obama instead of making fun of him. Anyway, y'all should watch - it's Saturdays at 10pm Central.

Before the movie, Mom, Sis and I went to Target to kill some time between dinner and show time. I was trying on pants, and Sis was trying on shirts. We were both being critical of our bodies (Sis refuses to even go clothes shopping unless she's slightly drunk). We decided that shoe shopping is the antidote. Shoes are the refreshing lime wedge to follow the bitter tequila shot of your body image issues. Unfortunately, Sis is currently forbidden to try on shoes by her podiatrist since she's still healing from surgery. However, I tried on every sexy heel I could get my hands on. OMG. There were these flats that were suede on the outside and shearling fur on the inside. THE MOST SOFT AMAZING-FEELING SHOES EVAR. EVAR. If you want cute but comfy shoes, you need these. I am so going back soon to buy some.

I watched The Girl Who Cries Blood last night on NatGeo. They sent a pediatric hematologist to check this girl out. She seems to bleed from random places on her skin - scalp, eyes, hands, feet, etc. His guesses were some kind of new unique syndrome that only has appeared in this girl, or Munchausen's by proxy, since they could never catch the girl starting to spontaneously bleed on film.

My reaction was: "OMG HASN'T THIS GUY EVER SEEN HOUSE?? He had a woman who had endometrial tissue randomly around her body so that she'd start spontaneously bleeding like she was having a period - on her face." This girl was already having her period, so my guess is that this is the actual reason she bleeds. But, being a pediatric guy, the dude never guessed at this. I was so disappointed.

Then I watched The World's Smallest Girl. Dude, this 15-yr-old is the size of a 6-mo-old baby - 23 inches and 12 pounds. That's just NUTS. But she's mentally 16. Very strange. They figure that her pituitary just wasn't working EVER which is why she never grew. Her mother's OB was never able to find her on ultrasound during her pregnancy, and it took a 2-hour exploratory c-section to find this little girl in her mother's womb. At birth she was only 3 lbs. Insane.

One: Reading Rainbow was canceled. So upset. LeVar Burton provided me with my reading list for the week each episode when I was a kid. Or at least those books I needed to force Mom into buying because "Mom, it was on Reading Rainbow! It's a ______ Award Winner!!" That always worked. I read so many books because of him. I remember the different introductions and how they changed over the years. The episodes I remember specifically as loving were the ones where LeVar was at the RenFair all dressed up, and the one where he took the cameras behind-the-scenes at ST:TNG. The day I was able to tell Mom that they used glitter in water swirling around as the pattern for beaming, she was SO JEALOUS OMG that I knew more about the BTS work than she did, and I was a kid!!

Two: I have the dumb today. My first foray onto Twitter in weeks and this is what I tweet 
EmeryBoredSo upset about PBS cancelling #ReadingRainbow. My favorite show as a kid. I read all of the books. No wonder the US is getting dumber...

I misspelled "canceling." I am so EMBARRASSED. And here I was trying to make a point about the relative stupidity about today's youth and I can't even spell correctly in my tweet. I tried to correct it, but this is what happened:

EmeryBoredAnd then I misspell "cancelling." I guess I didn't learn as much as I thought from the Rainbow...

Yep. I misspelled it again. I finally got it typed correctly on the third time. *eyeroll*

I'm giving up on Twitter. It's just not really worth it to try to sort out the spambots from real followers anymore. And I'm not as much of an attention whore (or potential one, since I never really had that many followers to begin with), as I once was. The Facebook is singing its siren call, and I'm damn tempted.

Like, that I am very quick to judge guilt in someone, and that I think jurists are generally idiots, and thus I am very depressed about our society and its ability to mete out proper justice. I've realized all of this watching TV. First is Forensics: You Decide from the Discovery ID channel. Basically, it presents facts as they're known, then the prosecution's case, then the defense's (like you would get in an actual trial). Then they give you an idea of how it played out in the courtroom and what the verdict was.

Every single case I tend to think, "Oh, that guy SO did it. Definitely." In the ones where I figure the dude (and it's always been a guy, interesting, no?) is guilty, but the jury returns a not guilty verdict, it's usually because the forensic evidence picture the prosecution puts together makes a hell of a lot more sense to me. One case got a guilty from me because blood spatter evidence and just sheer human physiology couldn't have caused the circumstances as the defense laid them out. (I'm sorry, but you can't hold a Desert Eagle. 50 cal handgun to the base of your skull at an angle that would shoot up toward your forehead by yourself. Unless you have ape arms. Also? Even with a bigger bullet, fine blood mist only travels a short distance. Both of which point to it NOT BEING A SUICIDE IDIOTS.) The second case I sided with the prosecution on hinged around a supposedly tainted arson scene. The prosecution contended that there was gasoline used as an accelerant. The defense said that the firefighters used a gas-powered positive-pressure ventilation fan at the scene and that the vapors from it contanimated the scene with gasoline particles. I seriously doubt that ANY firefighter would actually pour more gasoline into a motor while running NEAR A BURNING BUILDING - also the fan is always placed about 6 feet away from the main entrance used to get into the building. The fire was in the back bedroom. To blame it on them was ludicrous and the prosecution's case certainly fit better, but dumbass hicks (they interviewed one, this is not just a baseless accusation of hick-ness) believed that firefighters would be that stupid.

This shows that not only do I generally side with the prosecution on cases... (too much Law & Order watching?) but also feel that because of the rampant idiocy in our country, we will continue to have people let off for crimes because the evidence is too technical for a jury to understand. My exhibit A: Any episode of Leno's show where he asks people questions like, "What is the Gettysburg Address?" and gets answers like, "Well, I don't know the exact address..." Or "Who wrote Handel's Messiah?" and receives, "I don't know... I don't read books." We seem to be getting to the point where technology makes it easier to prove who did it scientifically, but harder to prove to a jury of average stupid Americans.

I'm getting off my soap box now.

Just went to the local Dollar Tree - DUDE. So much stuff in there. OMG. I bought 3 plastic baskets, a metal ruler for crafting/painting, some magnets and a magnetic pen for the fridge calendar (Mom, Sis, and I are attempting to keep up with one another's schedules by having a central calendar. Operative word: attempting.). Lots of folders for me to organize all of the medical bills I can't pay, applications for assistance, etc, I have lying randomly about, a tiny notebook for record keeping for the calls I make to Medicaid/SSA/etc., and a small lined notepad for note-jotting. Oh, and a movie-size box of sweettarts. The last is an experiment to see if I can actually trust the food stuffs at the dollar store (or, as my godmother called them, "Everything's a Buck."). Grand total for all of these things: $13. SO AWESOME. If I had bought all of those office supplies at HEB, Walgreens, Office Depot, etc., it would have been more like $30. YAY!! for deals!!

Then I went to Hobby Lobby and got waylaid for a good while by the supervisor in the knitting section. She was definitely a talker and/or slightly manic because DAMN, I couldn't get her to stop talking. I kept trying to back out of the conversation, but she wasn't getting my hints, so I just kinda let her spin herself back down. I did, however, get some really pretty yarn to make into a prayer shawl for the church. At my church, there are only three people currently making prayer shawls. Mom and I have decided to help, which will almost double their staff. Don't worry, those of you waiting still on christmas scarves from years past - I'm collecting all of them and working on a couple of new projects that will get sent out this fall. Seriously this time. I promise. YOu can link back to this post if necessary down the road. I also got some cheap paper mache ornaments to paint for people as presents and a cross to paint for our house. YAY! for crafts!!

Now my goal is to clean up the little pile of trash remaining in the corner. Then, organize my books. Then organize those random papers. Then do my laundry (because everything I own is currently dirty). Then move our painting supplies from the hallway to the closet so they're out of the way of the movers on Thursday. I'll probably help Mom tonight in moving the things around in the kitchen area where her office will be set up - somehow we're getting it cleared out by Thursday so the movers can put them in the kitchen while they're putting Sis's stuff upstairs. I have a feeling we won't get that done by the time it needs to be. I keep trying to figure out other areas of the house we can have them put the bookcases as temporary storage spots until we can finish the clearout of the kitchen. Mom is rejecting all of my ideas. All I know is that she and I can't bring them downstairs ourselves - they're solid wood and HEAVY. We were barely able to lift them enough to move them the 15 feet to the cove on the landing so we could clean out Sis's room.

Oh, yeah. The guys are moving her stuff in Thursday afternoon. Why then? Because Sis didn't think about when Mom had her weekend off when she told the woman she was moving out. Had she extended the thing one or two more weeks, we would have had a full weekend to do the move. Instead, we get Mom's one Thursday off before she has to turn in the key on Sunday. And, naturally, Sis hasn't spent ANY of the past month doing any of the packing herself in the apartment. As usual, she leaves it until the very last minute. Which puts an incredible strain on Mom, and to some extent, me. She was supposed to help Mom clean out part of the kitchen last night (I was going to , but I ended up with a terrible migraine - like, throwing up wishing I was dead, migraine). She didn't. She was supposed to come upstairs and feed the little cats in the bathroom and she didn't. I woke this morning to Bob howling in that way he only does when they're completely out of food or water. They were out of both. Sis didn't come check on them at all last night. I was so pissed. (Abby was also pissed and therefore pissed all over the vinyl flooring in there, so now my room also kinda smells like cat pee.)

Needless to say, I'm spending as much time as humanly possible away from them, but offering my services when I can. The only problem is that Sis is being USELESS. At least I helped weekend before last by spending the whole time re-doing her room for her because she couldn't stand us just deepcleaning the carpet. We do this all for her and she doesn't appreciate it at all. [/sister rant]

But, to make myself happy: CRAFTS!!

Oh, I discovered something last night... I can't watch episodes of Dexter if I know I'll be falling asleep any time soon afterwards. The images creep into my dreams and I get nightmares. However, it's a good show! I don't know how to solve this problem.

Also, I finished The Eight. It was a really good book. A blend of thriller/mystery and historical fiction! YAY! The two main plots wove together seamlessly at the end, and I was very pleased with the ending. I'm interested to read The Fire, which is on order, and the sequel that takes place, like, 30 years after the first book. I will also be hunting down her other two novels, now that I know Katherine Neville's a good author.

Endeavour is finally a go for launch. I'm relishing each of these, since there are only a very few left. I just finished watching the final poll of everyone to make sure everything is go. It is! Finally!! Kennedy launch director wished the crew a good and safe flight and I got a little verklempt. He said, "persistence pays off." Damn right. This is the 6th try to get this bird up. The first two were scrubbed because of the leak from the fuel tank. The last three have been weather-related. The weather cooperated today and the sky looks pretty over the Florida coast.

The countdown just restarted out of its hold, now at 6:45 to launch. The white room is retracting. I love the view from that camera as the arm swings away from the shuttle. You get a really nice view of the nearby area as it moves.

I LOVE NASA TV. In Austin, we didn't get it, but living in Houston, we get the channel. Really awesome to have on days like today. I know if I had had the channel as a kid, I would have been glued to the screen the whole day. Well, I did do that, but with CNN, since they usually took interest in the launches. But the cool thing about NASA TV is that you get to hear everyone talk to one another, on top of the guy (whose title I can't remember) who tells you what all is going on.

They're doing the engine gimbal test where they wave the nozzles back and forth. I always know that they're almost ready to go when they do that.

The beanie cap (the hood at the top of the external tank is now being withdrawn while the astronauts were just given the order to "close and lock visors" in preparation for launch. T - 1:30.

My heart's starting to beat a little faster, like I'm sure the hearts of the astronauts' are.

AUTO SEQUENCE START at T - :28.

Main engine start! LIFTOFF!!

Houston just took over.

Throttle down... Go at throttle up... whew. That hurdle is past.

God, the shuttle is pretty as it flies away.

Solid Rocket Booster separation. See you in the Indian Ocean!

The shot of the bottom of the shuttle from the camera mounted on the external fuel tank is one of the coolest views.

There's the roll to put the shuttle right-side "heads up" position. The view of the edge of the Earth as the shuttle spins around is soooo awesome.

They're flying over 12,000 miles per hour and are 65 miles above Earth. That's just NUTS.

Main engine cutoff and external tank separation. Watching the shuttle peel away as the external fuel tank drops away is so neat.

Knowing how far these guys have traveled in 10 minutes gives you some idea as to how fast they are going. Kinda like a rocket, or something. ; )

I always feel sorry for the mission specialists stuck on the mid deck. They get no windows, but all the shaking. At least 4 of them get a view outside during launch.

I always wonder how much the people being replaced on the International Space Station are annoyed when launch is delayed for whatever reason. I mean, there has to be some, "Oh, cool! I get to have more time in space!" while there probably is also some "God, I just want solid ground and real gravity again, dammit."

Okay! They're replaying the launch, so I guess everything is just fine, and I can take a nap without worry. I'm glad I set my alarm to wake me in case I fell asleep, otherwise I would have missed it. And, after watching the other 5 attempts fail, I was starting to worry.

I think I'm going to be keeping this icon around even once they retire the shuttle. The Constellation crew rocket, the Ares I-X, just looks stupid to me. See for yourself: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Size_Comparison.png I think what bothers me the most is that it looks so... unstable... being perched on only one SRB. I'm used to the short and hefty Shuttle. This tall lanky spacecraft thing is weird to me. At least the Ares V looks like it can actually go somewhere. Now, I realize what NASA's doing is going back to old ideas that worked safely and splendidly for a long time (and still work for satellite and other payload delivery), but it just doesn't have the style. Maybe in the future, when I take a ride on one of these things (yeah, right) I might feel differently. Until then, BLAH.

We went down to Katy (west of Houston) to see their fireworks show. We parked in a walmart parking lot, but everyone seemed to want to be there. We saw the police and fire trucks lined up down the side street and a big open field, so we figured they'd probably be setting them off right there. We were right. They were close enough that they filled the sky and we could feel the percussive force of some of the booms. Also, we could smell the leftover burnt chemicals as they floated over our heads on the breeze. Since we always had a spot on the same shore as the cannons that sent the fireworks off in Austin (they were no more than about 100 yards from us), the smell of exploded fireworks is one I equate with the Fourth. Next year, we're going to move a little closer so we get an even better view, but it was really cool. Maybe one of these years we'll go to the big show downtown (the largest land-based fireworks show in the US), but the 15 minute show we had was just fine to me.

We came home and watched Craig and the Boston Pops do their thing. I'm rather pissed that they only showed a small portion of the 1812 with the howitzers. That's one of my favorite traditions, and those poor soldiers never get the timing just right on the firing so it is in time with the music. The rest, however, was pretty good. I wish their special was longer, so we could hear more Sousa, the full 1812 Overture, the national anthem, etc, before the sing-along and Stars and Stripes Forever. I liked the fireworks display (and especially the shot of Craig watching them), but I thought it was rather weird that they did the fireworks finale to the theme from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Anyone else think that's weird? However, that particular piece is good music, so I can't fault them completely.

Will post tonight (or tomorrow) about the finished product in Sis's room. We did a damn good job, considering, if I do say so myself. My arms, back, and head hurt so much today, however, from the hammering (I pulled up all the carpet tack strips along the wall by hammering a flat head screwdriver underneath like a prybar, since we didn't have one of those. I did A LOT of that.), pulling up and hauling heavy carpet, and doing the edge painting of the entire perimiter.

Mom promises that she'll never say I don't do anything to help her ever again. I told her I'd make her a sign that says, "Emily DOES help, SO THERE," so she won't forget. (Mom thinks I'm a slacker and will do anything to get out of a job - I say that's Sis, but whatever... I've proven my helpfulness now.) The fact that we did all of that and she made it to work today, really impresses me. She was having trouble walking because her knee had taken too much strain... I hope she got enough sleep for her to function today.

That icon is about what I look like right now. Kleenex, messy hair, bedroom, pouty face.

Well, I didn't succeed. I usually get bronchitis for Christmas.. I don't know why, but it seems to be tradition. However, this past year, I missed it. I thought I was in the clear. Instead, I got it for Easter. Ironic, huh? *eyeroll* Started out as allergies, turned into a sinus infection, which morphed into a sinusitis/bronchitis combo. I am right now a phlegm-producing machine. The Puffs company, as well as Walgreens, are being fully financed by my purchases. I've gone through 3 4oz bottles of guaifenesin (regular Robitussin, not the DM) in 3 days. I have my watch set to alert me every 4 hours to take more medicines (the benadryl, sudafed - the real meth ingredient pseudoephedrine, not that phenylalanine crap - and robitussin are all "take every 4 hours", so at least it's easy on my brain). I'm probably going to see a doctor tomorrow. I had Dad prescribe an antibiotic on Friday, but it's not doing much. I'm thinking that this infection will need to be hit with something stronger. *snerk*

OMG, so I was blowing my nose (in a very honky loud fashion) and all of the sudden my ear got blocked up. I started having the worst vertigo I've ever experienced. Worse than that time I had 6 tequila shots on an empty stomach. My world was actually tilting. I thought I was going to puke.  It finally fixed itself but it took me lying down and rolling my head around so my inner ear wasn't as angry. So, now I'm not blowing my nose on that side unless absolutely necessary. I'm not taking any chances. Thank God I have some phenergan (anti-nausea medication) to take since I'm still icky even though the room has stopped spinning.

On a completely separate note: I've been watching HGTV all day since I can either  watch it or fall asleep to it without any problems. My question is this: Why would anyone in their right mind put MARBLE in their kitchen?? It's a porous stone. IT STAINS. It looks great around a fireplace, but as the top to an island, it's STUPID. That's what granite and quartz are for. AND THEY'RE CHEAPER, too. This woman with money no taste bought CANAMARA MARBLE imported from Ireland for her kitchen. WHAT?? While it'll bring you the luck of the Irish, you won't feel so lucky when you spill red wine on it. [/rant]

I had to reschedule my appointments for tomorrow with the new allergist and the sleep study because it's really stupid to try and do either when you have a raging bronchial infection. Kinda skews the results. So I rescheduled everything for next Tuesday, and hopefully I'll be well by then. Please, oh please, let me be well by then.

Mom's being really nice. On her way home, she's heading by the Walgreens (again) and grabbing some more robitussin, one of those Vicks vapor plug-in things, and a humidifier.

I'd forgotten what it was like to be really actually sick. It still sucks.

Okay, I'll stop whining now.

OMG I cried! It was so perfect. Much better than fucking St. Elsewhere's ending - autistic kid's dream, wtf?

I kept telling myself I wasn't going to cry.. but I did in several spots. Very circle of life. I know Michael Crichton is looking down and is very very proud.

I haven't watched the retrospective yet. I just can't take anymore tonight.

I'm going to go watch how they make toilet paper now on the Discovery Channel. That'll calm me down and put me to sleep. (Seriously, y'all... if you ever need something to have on in the background to fall asleep to, I recomment "How It's Made" that shows on the Discovery and Science Channels. Also "Modern Marvels" on the History channel. Nice, monotonous noise. However, Mom recommends "Nostradamus: 2012" from the History channel. She has yet to see the entire 2 hour special. It puts her out like a light after about 20 minutes.)

ETA: I don't know what TP factory this is, but it's very apparent that their product SUCKS. Like, would be nasty to use. "Reynold's Wrap." Ahh... It's that kind that's individually wrapped that you see in hospital/restaurant/gas station bathrooms. The kind that is totally USELESS unless you use half the roll to wipe. (Overshare?)

OMG PEOPLE. THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. A REAL EPISODE WITH GOOD WRITING AND TWISTS AND TURNS AND STUFF!!

Play-by-play thoughts under the cut.

( Spoilers under here. )

[rant] AT&T Uverse service is generally good. I love that I can record 4 shows at once, and watch another that's recorded. I love that I can access the DVR downstairs with my box up in my room, so I can watch shows that were recorded without having to go downstairs. However, I REALLY HATE a couple of things:

1) The voice-prompt on their main 800 number. It almost always sends me to the wrong department, even after I gave the correct answers and it confirmed my requests. And, having to spend 5 minutes just getting to the correct prompt for Uverse is really a bitch.

2) After hours, the tech support people are in some other country. I had to repeat everything I said four times, after she confirmed everything I said by repeating it back to me. I realize that's how they're taught, but FUCK it's annoying. When in customer service, you are generally taught to confirm what the caller is saying with an, "Alright, let me see if I can help you with x." NOT, "So you want me to help you with x?" All it does is piss off the customer. All I wanted was the way to access my DVR remotely so I didn't have to go downstairs and mess with it. Part of the perk with this system. However, the link from the main Uverse online console where you can access your account and pay the bill, etc. was not working. The link that said "remote access for your DVR" sent me to u-verse.sbc.yahoo.com (the main homepage with the sign in link). BIG FUCKING HELP. So, after explaining this concept to the woman on the phone about five times, she finally talked me through signing on to the main AT&T Yahoo console. EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOWLY. Like I am a moron or something. Not even my mother would need that kind of slowness to get the job done. So finally, I get to the correct spot and the module to access the DVR isn't there. She tells me to try x, and x isn't an option on my screen. She tells me to look for y. Y doesn't exist either. That's when I realized that she was across the globe. I was probably fairly snotty with her after that, but I was very annoyed by that point. Finally I figured it out on my own, but it still wouldn't access. It turns out that the damn DVR box has to be ON for me to remotely access it. Mother FUCKER. So I still have to go downstairs to turn it on. What a waste of time and energy on my part, trying to get this fixed. *flabbergasted sigh*

In other complaints: My foam mattress pad has decided to be a little bitch and wrinkle. Like, little tiny wrinkles that I can't get out. So it's now like I'm sleeping on speed bumps. And naturally they form right under my hips, so it digs into the fibromyalgia pressure spots. PAIN. And bad sleep. So I'm all cranky. Need to get a better one when Mom gets paid on Friday. Like, one that isn't 1/2" thick. Whatever you do, DON'T get the $15 mattress pad at Target. It SUCKS.
[/rant]

ETA: When you take of a foam mattress topper, and the result is that the mattress (with no real padding of its own) feels really squishy and nice, you've got a bad mattress topper. The damn thing is now out in the hallway waiting for next trash day. Grr. Then again, what should I have expected for $15? You get what you pay for, obviously.

Watched the Oscars. Loved the re-design. Thought everything was great. Could have gone without the Baz Luhrmann giant musical number. It took the idea of music montage to an extreme that wasn't fun. But adding the feeling of the Tonys to the Oscars was great. And using the creation of a movie as the introduction to the technical awards was brilliant. I actually was interested in them this year. Because I finally understood what half of them were really about.

Went shopping at Target on Sunday. Found a bunch of great stuff. A purse in robin's egg blue that I love, meets the "must be small" requirement, but it's large enough to carry a book. A wallet I can take out and put my phone in for short trips that don't require a purse. A little pot with sunflower seeds to grow for $1. A slinky jr for $1. And a foam mattress pad in full size for only $15. What a bargain. Oh! And a sock monkey for Mom, because she loves sock monkeys. She almost named him Craig, or Kronos, but eventually decided on Eddie - she thinks he looks like Eddie Izzard. I wonder how Eddie would feel about that. This monkey reminds me off the one in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium that kept trying to hug Jason Bateman.

Have felt crappy for the past couple of days. Dunno why. Have a headache, too. I really think my neurologist's assistant screwed up the shots. Arg.

Seeing my pshrink in the morning. Will be asking him about some kind of drug (preferably Lyrica) to help with my neuropathic pain and fibromyalgia. Also increases in the Lamictal to make me less depressed and what to do about getting to sleep without using the ambien.

Then I have to go by Walgreens so I can pick up my Nexium (I've been without it for about a week, and DAMN do i have bad heartburn), and a box of good kleenex. If it's crappy cheap kleenex, I sneeze right through it.

Okay gonna try to go to sleep now.

So, as y'all know, I've been up all day. Tried to take a little nap late afternoon. No go. Mom's being wonderful and stopping on her way home to bring me a burger and fries from Whataburger. Yum.

The rainy weather this morning and cold front this evening caused a headache. However, I'm getting my next set of shots Friday, so I should be set for another two weeks after the pain wears off over the weekend.

Trying to catch up on my TV viewing. Watching Criminal Minds right now. Probably going to watch Law & Order with Mom before heading to bed. Watched Heroes... I liked the episode. Made much more sense than previous ones this chapter. Claire being smart for a change, Parkman and Mohinder drugging HRG, and was that Moira "toe pick" Kelly I saw as the DHS bureaucrat? Also, loved Ando getting to speak English well, and being a hero, too. Hiro being all pouty got old fast, however. Still want to kill Nathan for being a dick, but I've basically felt that way since the beginning. Oh, and for those wondering, I asked Greg Grunberg (Matt) and he told me that Parkman now has the precog ability because he has been chosen as the prophet. What exactly that entails besides drawing stuff is yet to be seen (or drawn, I guess). Also, Brea Grant, Daphne, says she may or may not be coming back to Heroes. She can't say. I liked her character and her chemistry with Parkman. Hopefully she'll come back after Matt's done being all prophet-y.

So, according to my calendar on livejournal, I haven't made a single post since Christmas Eve. Sorry about that. I seem to have slipped into a black hole. A.K.A. super massive depression. Long story, but for a while I just didn't want to interact with the world at all. Not even you guys. Which really sucks, I know. I was basically scared to turn on my computer and deal with anything. I checked my e-mail, CNN, and Twitter on my phone. (Palm Centro = small window on the world [extra small, really].) I don't really know why I was afraid of going online and reading what you were up to, playing games, etc. Really rather irrational. So, today, I made the decision to stop reading books and start doing mindless stuff on my computer again. Reconnect with my friends on livejournal. Play a game of solitaire. Something not watching tv and ignoring the world.

So this is my start at heading back into worldliness and not depression. I've been hampered by a change in psych meds, but it's getting better now. Oh! See, there are things I haven't explained yet. Ok.

#1 I have a new neurologist who does nothing but headaches. We are currently trying to figure out exactly what causes these horrid spells. We tried nerve block injections at the base of my neck to help what is known as greater occipital neuralgia - basically, the muscles at the base of your spine tense and irritate the nerves that come out of your spine right there, causing a headache that refers to the front of your head around your temples. That didn't help at all and actually caused a headache so severe I was in bed for three days straight. So now we're down to only a couple of possible explanations for these headaches. One, is that I have a tiny hole somewhere in my head or spine that every now and then opens and leaks cerebro-spinal fluid, thus causing lower pressure in my head, causing my brain to hurt. The other is that there is a hole in my heart between the two ventricles, called a patent foramen ovale. This opening is present as a fetus in utero which helps circulate the mother's blood through the baby's body. It's supposed to close up right after you're born. In some people, it doesn't. Doctors aren't totally sure why this causes migraines, but they think it has something to do with less oxygenated blood being circulated into the brain. Since I've had migraines since I was 8, and migraines don't tend to start in people until their teens, this is definitely a possibility. So, tomorrow, when I see her, I will be bringing these two potentials up with her to discuss.

#2 I have a new psychiatrist. Actually, he's a neuropsychiatrist, having both subspecialties in neurology and psychiatry. A hefty amount of time in residency for that. But, makes him a better doctor for me since I have had previous brain injuries and am having these headaches, he knows more about how to help. I also have fibromyalgia, and he's the only psychiatrist I know who's willing to prescribe drugs for it. Mainly because he's also a neurologist and that's something he would treat. So, I have gotten rid of the Depakote altogether. This makes me very happy. First, because I'm now down to 4 psych meds instead of 5. Second, because I no longer am suffering all the nasty side effects, like hair loss (which is killer for me because my hair's really thin as it is), weight gain (which I don't need any more of, thank you), and trouble thinking. I feel like thoughts are hard to put together when on the depakote. Now, I've increased the Lamictal instead, which seems to be letting me think clearer and I'm feeling more energized without feeling manic. Which is good. I was droopy and low energy even as recently as a week ago. It seems it was definitely time for a change. I'm still tired, but my mind is more awake than it has been in a long time. So it's progress. He also has me decreasing my Ambien. This scares me because I've been on it for years (which is not recommended but have done anyway with doctor's approval) and I'm afraid I won't sleep without it. But I am. And, if I start not sleeping as much, then I have enough Seroquel to augment my normal dose to help me fall asleep. He swears that without the ambien the night terrors I experience will actually get better, and not worse, as I fear.

#3 As per instructions by the pshrink, (or neuropshrink, I guess), I have started Project: Sleep Hygiene. Basically, he said that if I stopped sleeping all day I'd feel better. And so I tried. I woke up on Monday at 10:30am and decided to try my best to stay up the whole day. (As you probably remember, I am notoriously a night owl and tend to sleep all day, wake up in the evening, and then go to bed about dawn.) And I did it. It took a lot of discipline, activities, movies, and Coke - the drink, not the drug. Though that might have helped, I think it would only add to my problems later on. I fell asleep about 11:30pm. I automatically woke up at 10am Tuesday. So I did it again. And Wednesday. And so far today. And damn it all, the pshrink was right. I am feeling better, and sleeping more soundly. And fewer nightmares - partially due to the ambien removal, and partially due to just being truly tired and not just depressed-tired. I'm going to have to go in to see him in a few weeks and actually tell him he's right. Dammit.

#4 My sister is living with Mom and me in the house right now. It started out that she was staying after her car wreck that happened right before Christmas to recuperate and hang out with us for the holiday/my birthday. Then she just kinda stayed. And it's been really hard. I've resented it because I have felt left out. (Mom and Sis are really close and always have been, and I sometimes feel like the third wheel. They tend to gang up on me, even though they don't mean to.) I hate that Mom's been sleeping out on our living room couch for the last month and a half. She won't kick Sis out of her bedroom, but I feel like Sis should JUST FREAKING MOVE BACK TO HER OWN DAMN APARTMENT ALREADY. She swears she will be moving back by this weekend, but needs Mom to help her clean her kitchen first so she can cook. She has this horrible habit of not throwing trash away. Now, look, I'm being semi-hypocritical here, since I'm not so hot about it myself, but that's mainly in my own room. She leaves trash everywhere in the living room and kitchen. Just cluttering up everything. And, for some reason, I keep getting blamed for it by Mom. Which is totally unfair since I spend most of my day up in my room now that I have TV up here.

#5 OH! Yes, I HAVE TV IN MY ROOM NOW!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! After all those hassles with AT&T, I finally got a box properly installed. The tech came out on Jan. 6 to hook up the box. After that, we started having problems with our signal. It would just cut out and we'd be TV-less for the whole house. What it ended up being (after having shenanigans with techs not showing up), was the guy who came to install the box used the wrong splitter at the connection site. This caused errors in the data stream, and the modem (since everything is over the web with our system, and it ROCKS) would just shut down once it encountered too many errors. It was thought for a while that the problem was with the feed coming to the house and we'd have to have a crew digging in our yard (or neighbor's yards), but it was caught in time. Thank you Jose! So I have had TV for about a month now and I LOVE IT. I've gotten re-addicted to HGTV and DIY. I love those to fall asleep to because they're kind of monotonous. If only I could find the remote to my TV so I could set the sleep timer.

Anything else? Oh yes. I believe I explained in one of my December posts about Mom getting laid off of her job. Well, she was re-hired by the company, but in a lower-paying job (and lower-status job) on a different unit at the hospital. So now she's back to being a scut nurse instead of charge. And when she does charge, she doesn't get compensated for it. She's back to being an hourly employee instead of salaried. And she makes about $600 less per paycheck than before. Fucking Bastards. If you know of someone who is looking at psych facilities, tell them DON"T GO TO HOUSTON. There aren't any good ones here. There was the one Mom works for, but after they cut two of the best programs they have, it's not worth the thousands of dollars a day. There are much better (and cheaper) places to get residential psych treatment. Drop me a line, and I'd be happy to name a few, especially those for eating disorders and trauma-specialists.

I realized a couple of days ago that I didn't work at all last year. What little I did for ChaCha wasn't enough to be transferred to me, so I technically didn't earn a dime. Which is really really sad. But good in the way that I will now easily qualify for financial aid and maybe can actually get started on college again. I really hate the possibility of being in debt up to my eyeballs, but what can you do, eh?

My hands are cramping. I've been working during my internet sabbatical on a knitted quilt. Basically, I found a really cheap (but nice) yarn (Hobby Lobby/Crafts Etc. "I Love This Yarn." Soft, $3, and 7 yards worth per skein. Awesome. Much better than the Red Heart stuff.), and bought it in several colors - light blue, apple green, silver gray, and dark chocolate brown. They look really good together. I'm knitting the blue and green in squares with a basket weave pattern with a knit border, and the other two in stockinette with a knit border. (If you knit, you know what I'm talking about.) It's been really easy and quick. The basket weave ones take about 1.5 hours to make one, and the stockinette ones about 1 hour. At the end, I'm going to have 48 squares, and each square is about 8"x8", so it'll be pretty big. I'm so excited and can't wait to put it all together. If you do knit, or want to start a knit project that's bigger than a scarf for the first time (this is my second afghan ever in over 10 years of knitting), I'm more than happy to give you the pattern. It's super easy. (And, the best part is, I MADE THE PATTERN UP FROM SCRATCH. THIS IS COMPLETELY MY DESIGN. WOO! Makes me feel like a real, dedicated knitter.)

Ok. That's all I can think of for now. I'm still going to be putting my random thoughts on Twitter, so follow me at emerybored over there.

Still have the headache. It's getting better, however. I took a nice long soaky bath in mom's garden tub. I wish the jacuzzi were working right, or I would have skinny-dipped. I washed my hair, and I am washing my clothes. I feel better. And I weaseled my way into several vicodin from Dad (he's an MD, it's perfectly legal, don't worry) to finally put it to bed - so to speak.

Am seeing the endocrinologist tomorrow morning. I am loathe to see any new doctor, and especially this one. I had a bad experience the last time I saw an endocrinologist when I was 14ish, still in Mom's "What's wrong with Emily?" specialist-of-the-week game. This lady decided to use me as a teaching tool for her intern. So instead of just getting a history, and checking my thyroid, she started unzipping my pants and pulled down my underwear so that the intern could observe my "secondary sex characteristics." I FROZE. Then, the doctor commented that, "Oh, she must shave, because otherwise the hair would also be on the legs." TRAUMATIC. To have doctors just start disrobing you without your permission is WRONG. Basically, since I"m seeing this guy for an underactive thyroid, he better give me some DAMN good reason to take off ANY of my clothes. Period. After having so much trauma in my young life, I don't get naked in front of someone unless it's absolutely necessary, and even then I'll find ways around it.

Watching the new L&O:SVU. Wow, those two women (Stabler's daughter and Ellen Burstyn) are really good at playing the unmedicated bipolar. This was definitely written by someone who had to cope intimately with this disease. All the ways one person's bipolar messes up the way the rest of the family works were there. And definitely all the nastier sides to dealing with the disorder. I'm glad that I don't go that manic. That's scary.

Must sleep now so I'm pretty for tomorrow.

Well, it seems not only did UT win their game against #1 OU, but Oklahoma State pulled out a miracle against #3 Mizzou, and Florida beat #4 LSU handily. This leaves #2 Bama, but they were idle this week, and since their game last week was nothing special, it's looking more and more like UT is going to move from #5 to #1 as of Monday. Oh HELL YES. There will be postage about this as soon as the polls hit. (I think even the BCS rankings are starting soon... so this is REALLY GOOD.)

After the excitement of the day, I finally passed out at around 4. Good sleep.... I dreamed about football (obvious), plus Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel (I watched an episode right after the game), and Heather and space stuff. It was a very weird collection of dreams, though they all kind of blended storylines from one to the other.

A new must-watch show for me is Destroyed in Seconds on Discovery. I can't get enough of destruction (and they're only showing stuff where people aren't killed, as far as I know). So, a 30-minute show with nothing but clips of stuff blowing up. It's awesome. It's like real-life action movies. Best action movie I've seen recently is Live Free and Die Hard. It's seriously one of the best action movies ever. EVAR.

I'm almost done with my book. I'm really scared at how it's going to end, now that I'm just into the conclusion. I still have a hundred more pages to go, but... still. I'm going to miss the characters. Which is why I"m starting the series over again from the beginning as soon as I'm done with this one. By the time I'm done with them again, I should be close to the time when the new one will be released. And there are several books in a spin-off series... so I'll have those, too. *sigh*

Now I've had something to eat, I'm going to take my pills and sleep some more.

Didn't: take a shower (I'm only going to Wal-mart in the middle of the night... who cares if my hair's clean?)
Did: Go by Wing Stop and get yummy wings to eat for brunch during tomorrow's game against OU (The Red River Rivalry - because "Shootout" was somehow gang-related, or some stupid pc reason like that. ABC = weenies.)
Didn't: Do the grocery shopping, like I should have. Bad Em, bad.
Did: Sit on my ass, eat wings, and watch the first episode of The Starter Wife on USA. (Which, though a change in several cast members had to be made because the ex-husband is now on House, is still smartly written and very cute.)
Didn't: Do any of the other things I had on my to-do list, like sit at Starbucks and be in public like a normal person. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

I am going to see if Mom wants me to stay out late (I'm picking her up at 11:30) and get the groceries, or go tomorrow after the game. I feel like such a shit for not going, but I've been up since 4am this morning, and I'm draggin ass. At least she has teriyaki wings and good fries to come home to.... but we'll have to go by somewhere and get her some sprite. That woman cannot live without sprite and coke. Srsly. And it has to be the regular kind, and not diet, nor any Pepsi product. She (jokingly) thinks Pepsi products are communist plots against America, and calls those who prefer them over Coca-Cola to be "Pinko space monkeys." Suggest sierra mist instead and she will shoot you a look that will make you feel like a laser beam's cutting through your head. And I think she'd rather shrivel up and die than drink anything diet. Particularly with aspartame, but she won't even try Coke with Splenda. Thank God she's not diabetic. She'd be beside herself in grief. Either that, or she'd spend a fortune on insulin just to keep up with the sugar intake.

ETA: "Teriyaki" isn't in Semagic's dictionary. What gives? I understand "Srsly" as not being a real word, and thus needing me to ok it through the spell checker, but "teriyaki?"

Still no word from ChaCha. I'm getting really frustrated now.

CSI made me cry. Not a lot, but I was verklempt. And Sara's back, for a little while at least.

Grey's: Poop water!

And, finally, 11th Hour is interesting. The premise is very neat. And Rufus Sewell is not as annoying in this role as I thought he would be. Even his buggy eyes aren't as buggy. Maybe it's the creepy lighting.

Oh! Mom's going to let me have the car tomorrow. YAY!! Auto-nomy!

My only sister (younger) turned 25.

We went to Benihana (a teppanyaki place.... MMMM).

The waitress took a picture of us as part of their "birthday" celebration - and my first thought was, "Damn, who's that whale that kinda looks like me??" I CANNOT wait to see the endocrinologist in 2 weeks. And, NO, I'm not uploading the photo for viewing.

Andrew got some hot pink icing on the white fur around his mouth while nosing into my piece of cake. He was actually able to lick it off. I was impressed, because the icing was that kind (like blue or purple) that seems to stain like a BITCH.

I realized Mom's birthday is now only 3 days away, so I bought her a card at the Walgreens when I picked up my meds. I put it on the Express Pay, which is linked to Dad's card (shhh don't tell him), so all is good.

Heroes has become even more confusing, and is starting to piss me off like LOST in its complexity. I'm trying to stick with it, but I need a freakin' map with strings.

Shirley Manson is getting better at acting... and creepier.

Speaking of meds, I haven't had my seroquel in a couple of days. Dude... I am totally fucked up without it. I have been tossing and turning for the past 72 hours straight. But in that bad "I"m so fucking tired but my eyes feel like they're propped open a la Clockwork Orange" way. For those of you not (somehow in this nutty world) not familiar with psych meds, seroquel is an anti-psychotic used in bipolars to lessen mania (and also make you sleepy). Well, without it, I was totally manic, but also depressed, so I flopped like a fish on the bed trying to sleep. Poor Max just finally gave up cuddling after being kicked repeatedly. I had to end up taking 10mg of ambien these past two nights (which is twice the normal dose). I'm gonna run out sooner than my refill. GRR.

To end on a happy note: I have leftovers. *grin*

ETA: FREAKING Walgreens didn't put in the fucking seroquel!! DAMMIT!

ETA2: I had to go out at 4 fuckin' am in order to get it because the damn pharmacist (who works all alone at night woe) couldn't get it together in fewer than 30 minutes. What??!?

ETA3: Whataburger has a chick that works there at 4 am that must be a mathlete. I gave her 4 dollar bills for $3.52. She handed me one back saying, "No, 3... oh. Wait." I just gave her that "Uh-huh..." look. My interior monologue: "No wonder they have her work the overnight shift."